


something painful.

by witheldjeans



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Forehead Kisses, Forehead Touching, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, It's not hard, Kissing, Men Crying, Other, Tears, Touching, Touchy-Feely, julian is trying, just light pushes bc mc is emotional, soft, warning for pushing and shoving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28056021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witheldjeans/pseuds/witheldjeans
Summary: his hand is trembling, head bowed and eyebrows gently furrowed with certain disdain for what he is doing.he is doing it again. he is coming here, reminding you, hurting you.he's coming back.
Relationships: Apprentice/Julian Devorak, Julian Devorak/Reader, Julian Devorak/You
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51





	something painful.

**Author's Note:**

> howdy all :) i stated it in the tags but TW for light pushing and shoving, it's not violent, just apprentice being emotional. recently got into the arcana and i'm on roll with writing creativity. i hope you enjoy this, leave me a comment if you do, thanks for checking this out :)

the door opens, heavy. the iron fittings squeak as it’s pushed open - clinking, weighted. he takes a pause before he is able to completely step into the threshold. something holds his body there. a force, like an exuberant layer of solid glass stood between him and taking another step inside. his hand is trembling, head bowed and eyebrows gently furrowed with certain disdain for what he is doing. 

he is doing it again. he is coming here, reminding you, hurting you. 

he closes his eyes tightly, hand grasping the wood doorway before he pushes his feet to step inside. his footsteps are clunky inside the shop - louder now in the enclosed space. moonlight is flooding in, casting a tall stretched shadow at the floor where his body stands. it’s silvery, cold. he lets it bite his skin, freezing pins and needles. he finds himself deserving of such discomfort and does nothing to keep his hands warm. 

you shuffle down from the stairs, robe wrapped tightly around your body - pulled by your hands and tucked under your arms. your eyes, still heavy with sleep, only open slightly. 

“asra?” you question softly, expecting to see his head of fluffy curly white hair - and instead

it’s him. 

_ he’s _ still standing in the doorway, his body is curved and your eyes meet his face and you see it. the thing you wanted to see before he left and proclaimed he was bad, he was hurtful, and he would only hurt you. and that you shouldn’t want him. 

the door swings shut lightly behind him and now only slivers of moonlight from the surrounding windows can light the left half of his face. 

immediately, as your sights set on him, your eyes get drowned in tears, and your lips begin to quiver. 

“y/n, i-” he pauses, his hands up as he tries. he tries to explain. he wishes so badly that words could soothe you, help you understand and give him justification. but he lets them fall from his lips, sees your face, and hates everything that he’s done. 

you step forward, just in front of his body, and raise a timid trembling hand to rest on his chest. your touch lights a spark on his skin and he melts into you. his breathing falters for a moment as you rest it there, his eyes closing. 

his hand comes up to lightly rest atop of yours, only lightly pressing it to his skin. 

he wishes, prays even, that somehow this would be enough for him to come back to you. he wishes so badly his thoughts, all in their endless amount, could just be spoken in a touch. the  _ i’m sorry _ ’s you deserve to hear, all of it. 

it is so deathly silent in that space that holds your bodies, julian finds himself exhaling a shaky breath so silent, yet so loud. like the forest mid snowfall - so quiet you could go mad.

“y-you-” you start, before the first tears spill over. you can only look at him so long before you’re reminded that he’s there. he’s right in front of you again. and he came back.

he can only look at you, words frozen in his throat as he starts lightly shaking his head. your hand balls into a fist, his shirt crumpled in your hand before you push him away, his hands slides from your own and he steps back. 

“y/n, darling i-”

“y-you left, julian! y-you-” he reaches for your hands and you push him away again, stepping backwards before tears blind your vision and a few quiet sobs shake your upper body. 

he’s taken aback, his eyes a bit wide as he swallows the aching feeling crawling up his face. suddenly it is so loud - and he feels as if nothing could fix the situation and that panic heats his blood so quickly.

there’s heat boiling in your chest, and despite the cold, shaking vesuvia beyond the shop, you’re hot. your head is filled with questions, panic, and pain. and above all - you wonder why he’s returned. you question it a million times over. and despite all the nights you laid alone, wishing you could just hold him one more time.

just see him. that is all you wanted. just a once more, a few more seconds, any kind of trace of him your body ached for. 

and you had that back - but such relief came with a burning pit of anger lit like fire. 

your hands come up to your face, crying into your palms. julian pulls your wrists gently away from your face to which you shove him away again, your hands shaking and you impel every part of him away with your finger tips. he reaches again, grabbing your forearms firmly and pulling you into his arms. 

you fight him, try to push his hands off of you and he only holds you tighter - pulling your body into his chest, arms tight around your torso until you’re both a heap on the ground. 

your tears stain his shirt, and no matter how badly you wish you had the strength to stay away from him, resist him, and hurt him as he hurt you - you knew you could never do it. you wind your arms around his waist and the fight is over. he’s whispering comforts to you, in your hair - hand coming to cradle the back of your skull. 

“i-i am so sorry, my love.” his voice is shaky and his hand at the back of your head is only slightly trembling. 

there’s something like embarrassment; humiliation, upon knowing the wreck you must look in that moment. sobbing into the chest of a man who’s hurt you and yet the strength people remember you for has completely left your body. 

you cling to him, the shaking of your shoulders soon subsiding - face blotchy and eyes still a bit glossy, you pull your knees in tighter - julian pulling you even closer. 

“my darling, i cannot imagine the pain i’ve put you through.” his voice is soft, a bit shaky and teary. he pulls away, slowly, with his hand still cradling the back of your skull. 

“i’m so sorry.” his hands move to hold your face - so gingerly, handling you with the utmost of care as he always has. 

“i-i…” he presses his forehead to your own, his words are dripping with the utmost sincerity, this you’re positive of due to julian’s genuine nature. 

“i can never forgive myself for the ways i have hurt you.” 

you can’t bring yourself to pull away, instead you raise your hands to hold his own against your face and you commit this feeling to memory. his touch and the way he’d hold you. 

“j-julian i want you to be able to forgive yourself.” you part from him then, his cheeks are wet, eyes are glassy and his jaw clenches. “because y-you’re here, a-and- and i’m here and that’s all i want is just you.” your voice fails you again and your lips quiver. 

julian can only bring you into his arms, softly hushing you and apologizing endlessly into your skin and hair as a few more tears fall.

you bury your face into his shoulder, savoring the moment shared in the quiet of the shop - and it’s you who pulls away and puts your fingers to his jawline. 

he looks at you, his lips slightly parted and eyes filled with sadness - hand slowly coming to meet your cheek, the distance between you is closing in. you feel his shaky breaths against your lips before your lips press together.

you are the only two people in the world in this moment, the warm air between your bodies - softly chilled cuts of moonlight lighting silvery panels across your bodies and on the floor. 

he’s soft, and despite julian’s skin normally being cool, he was warm. his palms were warm on your face, cradling your jaw. you watch the curve of his lips, relaxed and naturally curved at the corners with a plump cupids bow.

just looking at him before you, you’re reminded of all the things you craved about him. the things you loved to study, the way his cheekbones cut into his pearly skin and casted shadows down his angular face. the soft bone of his jawline, sharp and articulate. 

  
  


when you pull away from him, lips still so close. he rests his forehead against your own and holds you terribly close. “you’re back.” you say passively, quietly. 

“i’m back.”

-

“sometimes i’d-” you exhale softly, you bite back on your lips slightly. julian pulls you closer - if at all possible. with one hand at the small of your back, the other gently soothes. he understands, he always had. 

“all i’d want, was for you to come home.” your voice is buried in his neck, so quiet he feels a break inside his chest and closes his eyes tight. 

you can’t lose him, not anymore, not ever. so you close your eyes and press your chest to his own. 

he holds you just as close - arm around your back still rubbing soothingly. “i thought i was protecting you by leaving.” his voice is lost in your hair, muffled and quiet. 

“i was a fool to think i was doing anything but hurting you. and for that i could never forgive myself, knowing i’ve done the thing i swore to never do.” he clutches you tighter, his eyes are closed tight, eye patch long forgotten on the nightstand. 

taking in a shaky breath, you stroke your fingers through his auburn curls gingerly. “i’ve already forgiven you, julian. find it within yourself to forgive yourself - you’re here now and that’s what matters.” 

the words were coming from a genuine place, and julian knew this. perhaps it was that fact that hurt him so; your forgiveness so soon, so authentic. that was your beauty, no matter his past actions, there you stood, still proud as ever to call him yours. it astounded him. 

“i refuse to do anything but treasure you for the rest of time.” with that, he pulls away - his eyes are as intense as ever, and part of you is entertained - blaming the thespian in him to be so sickeningly sweet. 

with your hand on the side of his neck, he cradles your skull and presses his lips to your forehead, lingering for a moment after. 

“i’ll cling to your heart so that something human exists in the midsts of chaos.” 


End file.
